The inevitable words

Every time I said
„I love you“
Was a lie.

Today I confess
Today will be the last day of regret
For regret is the greatest sin of all.
God, I know you don’t exist.
I am aware of your colossal absence,
The lack of your diminishing vision
Between the thousand nocturnal heavens.

But last night I could glimpse
Behind your nonexistent back
And laid my romping eyes
Upon a plane of karma
That is only living in the
Purple and golden mists
Of a dreaming mind.

Yet within this wonderland
Of roaming souls - you existed –
Were somehow more real
Than the white eyed inhabitants.

A vision of you,
Bound by your name
But mirrored as a mannequin
Of undeniable beauty.
My dream haven with your lordly,
Flawed body – I need to tell
The sea about it, where all dead stories use to end.
(Although you were a good story,
A pleasant tale of lies)
I tore you away from my questioning lips,
You, who was once so secure of
All your weak little girls.
And only this time,
When I didn’t say
The catastrophic three words,
It was a bigger lie than any occasion
In which I uttered them before.

Words – that are struggling on my lips
Every night I haven’t seen you the days before,
With the only difference
That these days lasted decades,
Yet they vanished faster on the calendar
Than a striking flash.

God, I know
I feel
That you don’t exist.
But I want to confess honestly.
I want into your missing face
And confess
That I probably never knew
The inescapable words.

As dreams rambled through my eyes
I think I learned their meaning.

The words are:

I don’t know.